What is Emotional Intelligence?

Learn how developing this critical, overlooked skill improves relationship and dating success, and find out how to build your emotional intelligence skills 

By Kaci Baez

Reviewed by Christine Davila, Ed.D.

If you have this skill, you are more likely to have success in life across the board. From dating to marriage to parenting to work success, emotional intelligence (EI) is a highly valued skill, yet, only about 38% of us have it. Being competent in emotional intelligence means you are less likely to get divorced and more likely to be happier in a relationship, as long as your partner is also adept in EI. Still, despite the proven research on the necessity of EI, dating apps widely and superficially prioritize looks over feelings and values. There are no dating apps that screen or coach for emotional intelligence: until now, that is, with the launch of the Harvest dating app.

Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to perceive, express, understand, and manage emotions. According to leading EI expert Daniel Goleman, this skill helps people make better decisions, do better at work, and is more valuable than IQ. 

But why?

Per leading relationship experts at the Gottman Institute, emotional intelligence increases our capacity for empathy—the ability to imagine yourself in another’s situation, and to try and feel what they feel. The Gottman Institute explains: “Emotions have utility. They drive us to accomplish our goals, to assert our needs, to confront our fears, to understand who we are, and to understand other people. That’s part of what emotional intelligence is—understanding the emotional landscape inside you and around you, and being able to navigate that landscape effectively.” Empathy is highly critical in every kind of relationship because it creates an emotional connection, which leads us to try and be more kind and helpful to one another and improve mutual well-being. 

It’s important to note that emotional intelligence can be learned and improved upon at any time, if you are willito make an effort. It’s not a fixed, unchangeable trait. But you have to actually want to improve and stop blaming everyone else for your problems. 

Many people lack self-awareness and are unwilling or unable to go deeper in their relationships because they were never taught how to manage their emotions. This lack of emotional awareness enables negative coping mechanisms, emotional trauma, and unhealthy attachments.

The Baby Boomer generation (born 1946-1964) was typically taught to “tough it out” and repress their feelings, and this generational trauma has been widely passed down to younger generations who felt repressed and emotionally ignored. Many Baby Boomers were raised in environments with emotional suppression and authoritarian, often hostile or violent, parenting styles, which may have impacted their emotional intelligence and potentially contributed to patterns sometimes described as a legacy of emotional neglect or trauma, according to research. Only in recent decades has the importance of emotional skills and mental health become more popular; the phrase “just get over it” often doesn’t go over that well anymore.

Improving your emotional intelligence by developing self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and positive social skills goes a long way to enhancing dating, relationship, and life success.
 

Self-Awareness: Recognizing your own emotions, strengths, weaknesses, and how they affect your thoughts and behavior. According to research by organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich, 95% of people think they’re self-aware, but only 10 to 15% actually are.

Self-Regulation (Self-Management): Managing disruptive emotions, controlling impulses, staying calm under pressure, and adapting to change.

Motivation: Using emotions to drive toward goals with persistence and optimism, rather than just being driven by external rewards that do not align with personal values.

Empathy: Understanding others' feelings, perspectives, and needs; putting yourself in someone else’s shoes, so to speak. In other words, don’t make it all about you. If the person you are dating presents feelings or thoughts that are too heavy or serious for you to handle emotionally, it can be easy to dismiss them. This dismissal is a form of gaslighting that damages relationships and trust.

Social Skills (Relationship Management): Building positive connections, communicating effectively, resolving conflicts, and influencing others. According to research, the most successful relationships occur when people do not avoid the conflict, radiate contempt, or stonewall, but rather, address it honestly and constructively.

How to Improve Emotional Intelligence in Dating and Relationships

Conflict Resolution and Emotional Self-Regulation: Instead of attacking character ("You're inconsiderate"), focus on specific feelings and actions ("What you did makes me feel..."). Pause before reacting, and if you can’t control your emotions in a situation in a positive way and are ready to fly off the handle and escalate conflict, walk away until you can communicate in a stable manner. The happiest couples don’t just sit around blaming the other person; they want to be happy together and fight differently.

Honesty, Active Listening, and Validation of Feelings: Always be honest about your feelings. Rather than saying “I’m sorry you feel that way,” in response to your partner’s honesty, acknowledge their experience ("That sounds frustrating"), even if you do not have solutions to offer. Validating and recognizing another person’s feelings builds empathy, trust, and understanding.

Be Supportive Every Day: Positive relationships aren't just about getting along on the surface and having a partner to pay half (or all) of the rent; they're about supporting each other's goals no matter what and building shared meaning. Consistently showing empathy, respect, and understanding in daily interactions builds stronger, lasting connections.

References 

Bru-Luna LM, Martí-Vilar M, Merino-Soto C, Cervera-Santiago JL. Emotional Intelligence Measures: A Systematic Review.
Healthcare (Basel). 2021 Dec 7;9(12):1696. doi: 10.3390/healthcare9121696. PMID: 34946422; PMCID: PMC8701889.

https://online.hbs.edu/blog/post/emotional-intelligence-in-leadership

https://professional.dce.harvard.edu/blog/how-to-improve-your-emotional-intelligence/

https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotional-intelligence-help-you-everyone-around-you/

Nasiri Zarch Z, Marashi SM, Raji H. The Relationship between Emotional Intelligence and Marital Satisfaction: 10-Year Outcome of Partners from Three Different Economic Levels. 2014 Oct;9(4):188-96. PMID: 25792986; PMCID: PMC4361820

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About Harvest Dating

We founded the Harvest Dating App on the principles of emotional intelligence, shared values, and positivity. Learn more about how Harvest’s AI-powered Gardener relationship tool can help coach you during the online dating process. Instead of obsessively hunting for what’s wrong, The Gardener helps you understand what right looks like. It helps you “pull the weeds”—unhealthy patterns or red flags—while teaching you to recognize what makes a relationship safe, mutual, and emotionally grounded. Over time, you’ll become more confident in spotting kindness, consistency, respect, clarity, safety, and emotional maturity when you see it.

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