How to Build Trust While Dating
By Kaci Baez
It’s pretty well established that mutual trust is critical to the success of any relationship. Couples who value trust communicate more openly, resolve conflicts more effectively, and experience greater emotional and physical intimacy.
Research has also shown that those who report higher levels of trust in their relationships also have higher levels of life satisfaction. On the flip side, a lack of trust in relationships can lead to decreased emotional well-being, cynicism, and emotional distress, which can negatively impact health. And when it comes to dating, if your trust (or heart) has been broken in the past, it can be difficult to fully lean in to others.
So, just how do you generate trust in relationships while dating?
Have self-awareness. By recognizing your own strengths or limitations when it comes to relating to others, it is easier to admit mistakes and hold each other accountable.
Be honest and communicate openly. This seems really obvious, but people can sugarcoat their feelings and behaviors to appear more attractive to others. When dating, it can be easier to paint a pretty picture of yourself that you think someone else will like while keeping any negative traits, opinions, behaviors, or mistakes hidden. But when (not if), real-life challenges pop up after the honeymoon period, your real self will likely come out, and a lack of honesty and hidden feelings can create increased conflict and decreased respect.
Many individuals with perfectionist traits, early attachment struggles, and past traumas have a difficult time being honest with themselves and others. If you find it hard to be honest with someone else, start by telling yourself the truth and building trust with yourself. If you do not have self-love and self-trust, relationship success can truly be hard to come by.
Show empathy and validate feelings. Showing real concern for your partner's emotions and validating their feelings, even when you disagree, builds a deeper emotional connection. Research suggests that attuning to your partner's emotions—listening without defensiveness and responding with concern—is a critical tool for building trust.
Don’t be dismissive. If the person you are dating presents feelings or thoughts that are too heavy or serious for you to handle emotionally, it can be easy to dismiss them. This dismissal is a form of gaslighting that damages relationships and trust. At the very least, actively listen to your partner and repeat their thoughts and feelings back to them: attempt to put yourself in their shoes. I.e. “that must have been very hard for you when…………”
Be vulnerable over time. Take small steps and share minor sensitivities at first before diving right in with your laundry list of fears, weaknesses, and desires, which a potential partner you just met might not be ready for because you are still building trust and getting to know each other. But starting small and being open over time builds intimacy and deepens trust.
Don’t rely on the other person to do everything for you. It takes two people to tango, as they say. Don’t wait for the other person to initiate dates and activities every single time. Don’t date someone just because you fear being alone with your own thoughts, yet you have no desire to contribute to the relationship.
Because a person who shows no interest in planning dates or activities at the start of a relationship is not going to change; this can build resentment over time. If there is only one person in the relationship moving it forward, long-term trust will be more difficult to build, leading to increased conflict.
Have boundaries and communicate them. It is important to clearly state your needs and limits when it comes to dating and relationships and to confirm that each partner is respectful of them. It is okay to say “no” if you are not comfortable with a request someone makes while dating. Be honest with yourself about what you really need and don’t settle for anything less.
References:
Campbell L, Stanton SC. Adult attachment and trust in romantic relationships. Curr Opin Psychol. 2019 Feb;25:148-151. doi: 10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.08.004. Epub 2018 Aug 3. PMID: 30096516.
Helliwell, J. F., & Wang, S. (2010). Trust and well-being. International Journal of Wellbeing, 1(1), 42–78. https://doi.org/10.5502/ijw.v1i1.14
