10 Signs You Are in a Toxic Relationship
By Kaci Baez
Reviewed by Christine Davila, Ed.D.
You know it’s true: Just because something looks or sounds nice doesn’t mean it’s good for you.
Toxic people, places, and things are all around us. Many of us have experienced the harmful mental and physical effects of toxic behaviors, be it with a family member, romantic partner, work colleague, or otherwise. The damage from these negative interactions can cause long-lasting trauma and severely decrease self-confidence. That’s why it’s important to know what to look out for when embarking on a new relationship: if you know the signs of toxic behaviors, it can be easier to establish boundaries early on, or just run away as fast as you can!
According to Kendra Han, MSW, Director of Couples Programs and Content at The Gottman Institute, toxic relationships take a big toll on mental health, causing stress, anxiety, and isolation. Being in a toxic relationship can cause you to feel like you have to walk on eggshells around someone or shut down completely to avoid another negative interaction.
But just how do you know you are in a toxic relationship? Here are the top 10 signs to look out for, according to experts.
Lack of support. According to Andrea Bonior, Ph.D, “a controlling partner has a way of using you as a weapon against yourself, by planting seeds of doubt about whether you're talented or smart or hard-working or attractive enough to make good things happen in your life. This is another way they can take away your autonomy, making you more beholden to them—and serving their purposes quite nicely.”
Controlling behaviors. According to Dr. Bonior, these types of behaviors can include isolating you, monitoring you heavily, and keeping a scorecard: “If your partner always keeps a tally of every last interaction within your relationship—whether to hold a grudge, demand a favor in return, or be patted on the back—it could very well be their way of having the upper hand.”
Controlling behaviors also involve making acceptance, love, attraction, or care conditional. If there are “conditions” attached to a partner’s positive communication, behavior, or emotions toward you, the other person is trying to exert control. Dr. Bonoir states that controlling behaviors also look like jealousy, threats, making you feel unworthy, making you do something you openly don’t want to do, and/or creating a debt that will behold you to someone through extravagant gestures, unrequested gifts, or financial favors.Gaslighting. According to Stephanie A. Sarkis, Ph.D., gaslighting is a slow form of brainwashing that makes a person question their reality. She states, “typical gaslighting techniques include denying something when there's proof, projecting onto others, and telling blatant lies.” Gaslighters will deny behaviors and experiences and will hold something near and dear to you, like your kids, as ammunition, Dr. Sarkis adds.
Playing the victim. According to Han, the partner (or friend/family member/coworker) who “plays the victim” engages in emotional manipulation to exert power and control over the other person. “Playing the victim” occurs when someone distorts reality and situations to try and make the other person feel guilty, irresponsible, crazy, worthless, and/or insensitive.
Unwilling to accept responsibility for their actions: constantly blaming others. Per Han, this is typical narcissist behavior. The Gottman Institute states: “A narcissist only has one perspective: theirs. A narcissist will not acknowledge their partner’s point of view and will minimize another person’s feelings. They are unwilling to accept any responsibility for misunderstandings or arguments. They will challenge their partner’s reality by saying there is an overreaction or that their partner is making things up.”
Frequent criticism. Dr. Gottman describes contempt as criticism from a place of superiority; it is not only putting someone down but also putting down their entire character and way of being. This type of behavior is proven to have a negative impact on mental health and self-esteem.
If criticism is a constant element within a relationship, it can be hard to feel accepted, loved, or validated.
According to Dr. Bonoir, “if every little thing you do could use improvement in your partner's eyes, then how are you being valued as a true equal, let alone loved unconditionally?”More negative than positive interactions with someone. This is characterized by a frequent pattern of fighting and negative communication vs. rare, one-off negative interactions.
Communication filled with contempt and defensiveness. According to the Gottman Institute, contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce in couples. They state: When communication within a relationship includes threats and things that cause physical or emotional fear, it is an abusive relationship; emotional fear can include threats around leaving and abandonment.
Disrespect. This can look like dismissing or ridiculing someone and calling them “too sensitive” when they push back. Disrespect can often feel like rejection, which can lead to a range of emotions, including hurt feelings, shame, guilt, loneliness, embarrassment, and social anxiety.
Refusal to deal with conflict. According to Dr. Gunther, When couples repeatedly engage in toxic conflict, it can generate enough emotional poison to destroy the relationship. And a complete refusal to communicate or deal with patterns of conflict and negativity is a very unhealthy relationship trait.
What now?
According to Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD, individuals who have been “preyed upon,” or “toxified,” often find it difficult to accept kind and loving experiences without fleeing. She states that people “are attracted to what is familiar, more toxic relationships, which they often experience as normal. It may be scary for them to cut these ties. The good news is that this toxicity can be reversed with therapy, self-love, setting boundaries, establishing positive relationships, and self-help groups.”
If the relationship is something you want to save, you can also focus on building trust. Learn how to spot green flags in a healthy relationship.
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Read More
Top 5 Relationship Green Flags, According to Experts
References:
Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., 20 Signs of a Controlling Partner, Psychology Today
Dr. Kristen Fuller, MD, How to Recognize Toxic Individuals and Toxic Relationships, Psychology Today
Gottman Institute, What Defines a Toxic Relationship?
Randi Gunther, Ph.D., Leaving Toxic Conflicts Behind, Psychology Today
Stephanie A. Sarkis, Ph.D., 11 Red Flags of Gaslighting in a Relationship, Psychology Today
Verywell Mind, Signs You Are in An Unhealthy Relationship
